Diary of Dreams
by ZombiesloveMangoes
Summary: He works for her. She is married. This whole relationship is an abomination. They don't care. AU Fic.
1. Dreams

Has anyone noticed I always start these with 'so' or is that just me. I guess that's what I do when I have nothing else to say 'so you're pregnant', 'so you wear ladies underwear', 'so you're a monkeys uncle' it's like the awkward response to any conversation well I guess this means here I am with another fanfiction since I have nothing better to do with the lack of internet oh and heads up these are going to be tiny VERY tiny because they are going to be like Diary entries so hey there it is again soooo oh and all non italicized writing is in Claire's POV always will be no matter what

_Dear diary,_

_I saw him again tonight. He walks my dreams waking and asleep. I can't let my husband find these or he will have my head. I know he means well, but there is something that is so intriguing about my friend. I have never seen his face, for he hides to the shadows, but I hope one day I will meet him. He took me to a wonderful lab last night. We worked until dawn break through the night and I had to wake. I admit when I open my eyes and he is not beside me I weep a small ounce that it is my husband that takes residence next to me. It is not something I like to confess, but he understands me more than the one I was betrothed to. At least no one would find these._

**Theres that I will not interrupt anymore so all will be just writing also I have been having very bad storms so my internet and power is wack**


	2. Passion

_Dear diary, _

_I didn't think it was possible. He was here today. He visited under the name John Smith. An aid to the manor. I didn't see his face, but I knew his name wasn't John Smith. He was too unique for a name like that. He came early in the morning before the sun broke the night shadow and left just as the night took the sun. I was gone most that day to the town. I came back and he was in the study. The one place in the whole mansion that I was prohibited to be. I walked past and heard voices on the other end. It was unladylike, but I stayed to listen on their conversation just enough before I had to leave. They were walking out and I had to hurry down the hall. They spotted me before I made it to the end of the corridor to turn. They called me over and I had to oblige. I calmed looking at neither of them I walked back over. I was introduced. He took my hand and kissed the top softly. His lips were cold. So cold I shivered, but I felt passion fire through me. I was dismissed as soon as I was called and hurried to my room._


	3. Sneak

I finished writing in my diary as I grabbed my shawl putting the hood over my head. I put the ribbon on my page. Quickly unlocking my drawer and pulling up the false bottom. I put it in locking it once again and looked around nervously. I silently threw open the window and looked down. Valerie sits with Fergus as a slight wind thrust through the well trimmed bushes.

"This is dangerous Claire. You know how bad this could be." She whispered harshly. I nodded jumping down. I landed on the daisies.

"I know, but I must see him." I kissed the little girls forehead.

"Please reconsider. You're married." I smiled and grabbed Fergus's long gray mane.

"And if I wasn't?" I swung myself over and he quickly stamped the earth before rearing off into the crisp night.

"Just be careful my queen." Her voice was swept away in the cool night air. I went around back to the stables and Fergus glided over the small fence. He landed carefully and we continued down the road to the town. My hood fell back on my head and I hurried to bury my head once again in the shadow. Once at the outskirts of town I slowed.

"Woah. Easy boy. Easy." He neighed and started at a trot. I pat his neck and he gently shook his head with a snort. The sound of his hooves echoing off of the buildings. Not a soul wandered the streets. How only a year ago people walked freely with ease without the terror of being picked off like sheep in a circle of wolves. I turned on Elizabethan. I got halfway down the trail when the wind was knocked out of me and the comfort of Fergus vanished. I wanted to scream, but my face was being press into my assailant's chest. Everything blurred around me and then finally we stopped. I felt weak and woozy. My head whirled and I tried to look around, but my eyes wouldn't focus on anything. My head was turned to the side and I was terrified for a moment. Their head neared and neared until I could feel their cool lips on my pulse. The only sound I managed was a whimper and they pulled away eyes huge. He looked into my face for a long moment. My eyes were weeping and I could hardly keep them open. He let me go back up whimpering as though he were a punished pup.

"No." He whispered. "No, no, no, no, no." He gradually got louder until he closed his eyes and was gone. My eyes felt like lead and finally they rested.


	4. Heartbeat

_October 25, 1804_

_I almost killed her. I almost drank her until she was no more. Her heart beat lured me to her. She was foolish for running out so late. I was foolish for thinking I could control myself with her. I was ashamed. I ran. Ran until the burning in my throat was too much and I had to feed. She was brave though. She came out despite the possible shame that would come to her and her name. To her family. I knew it was risky to visit her in her home, but her dreams weren't enough. I needed her for everything she was. But I was not about to take her life. The short time with her betrothed showed me how much he underappreciated her. He was to travel in a fort night. And now so was I. Only my trip would not be a long one._


	5. Fergus

_Dear diary, _

_I missed him in my dreams tonight. I was found hours later. Fergus was the one to find me. I was taken back in the carriage. Valerie sat across from me. We didn't talk, but I knew she would soon. I arrived back to the mansion and went straight to the stables. I made sure Fergus was alright from the attack last night. He was only startled. I walked back to the house after an hour or so and changed out of my now tattered dress. Valerie did come in again and try to talk to me, but I shooed her off. I stayed in my room locking my door and pulling out my one book I could always rely on to help me escape._


	6. Willows

**Oi okay only interruption if you don't know who her husband is please think this is an AU who else would she have been forced to marry…I am giving no answers**

I watched carefully from the manor window the steady come and go of visitors. Never any for me. The only friend I had was Valerie. I was going to wait until he left before I tried again. That was in three days. I read my book in the one room he never dares to come in. My study. When I was first married to him he saw what I had to read and nearly threw it out. Science is not a subject that a young lady should be interested in. No I should waste away my days doing nothing and letting him take all the fun out of me. It was barely acceptable that I had my own personal horse, but that was excused because he has been with me since teething age. I glanced out the window and the sun was hidden behind a cluster of unforgiving clouds. No longer could I read I hid my book once again and walked out of the room. As I locked the door I turned around and bumped into someone.

"Sorry miss I did not see you there." He held me from falling and his hands were cold to the touch. I looked up and mysterious chocolate eyes looked back at me.

"Not to worry. I can be a bit of a klutz time and time again." He chuckled setting me back straight and suddenly stopped. Like a joyous harmony halted with the slight mistake of a wrong key it was done. I found I wished it back.

"Do you need anything whilst I am of use?" I stepped back straightening my ruffled dress and clamped my hands together.

"Yes if you may I would like the itinerary for the trip in three days. I want to double check any dates that could have slipped when he was gone and I am attending alone." He bowed taking my hand once again and kissing the top. I tried to control the shivers that ran through me. He walked off and I turned the other way walking down the corridor. My nervous hands fidgeting with the bow on my back. Valerie came by and looked at me.

"Come here. Let me fix your knot." I took a deep breath and stood patiently waiting for her to do so. She walked over untying and retying my knot. She turned me around and I looked her daringly in the eye. It was her turn to sigh. "I'm not telling you what to do." Somehow I lost my fight with that sentence.

"Don't even think I am dim witted to believe you care about me in this situation." I snapped finally and stalked off. I pulled up my skirt so I could walk freer. I walked out to the pasture and opened the gate. I carefully closed it and walked to the small beach hidden behind the willows that weep along its shores. The stone bench that I secretly put down here was hiding under the shade. I sat down and watched the waves lap at the river stones just out of my foot's reach. It was cloudy that day and I could faintly see the outline of the sun in the water. I took off my shoes carefully and sat down in the soft shore. Just my toes touched the cool liquid. I looked into the water and saw not only my reflection, but another's. I stared at his reflection not looking back to see him fully.

"The lord's itinerary my lady." I was amused how he said 'lord's' not 'husband's'. I waved to the bench. He put them on the stone stool swiftly and stood there gentlemanly. We sat in silence for many moments before I stood up.

"You wouldn't know anything about a recent attack would you?" I turned slowly. His face was stoic.

"The one you recently encountered?" I stood still. "No ma'am." I nodded sternly. I sat on the bench and proceeded to put my shoes back on. He stayed where he was looking out into the river. A light wind brushing through the trees shifting his raven black hair. "I hate to intrude, but I do wish to accept the lord's offer at full employment."

"You want my permission?" He stayed facing forwards not looking at me.

"It is your house as well, is it not?" He looked out of the corner of his eye at me.

"I suppose if you look at it that way." I stayed silent for a moment deciding. It was obviously a yes, but I wouldn't reply quickly in case of mistaken intentions. "I suppose that would a very wise decision. Yes." He turned finally and grabbed my hand once again. Be still my beating heart. He bowed his forehead just barely touching my knuckles. He kissed my hand slowly this time and I found myself turning my hand palm up. He kissed again and I closed my eyes slowly. They slowly continued up my arm and I couldn't condemn myself to stop him. He stopped at my collar bone. I opened my eyes finally and saw him far closer than before. Without hesitation I leaned the rest of the way and our lips met in an electric clash. His cool body temperature scared me at first, but after a second I was excited by it. It was a heated frenzy for a short while until I pulled away for breath. He stepped back and I felt compelled to step forward. I smoothed my ruffled bodice and clasped my hands in front of my. Ladylike demeanor was a must no matter the situation. I walked over grabbing the papers and walking past him without another word. The wind picked up as I walked back through the door and I worried his safety out there. Thunder clapped and I felt it would shatter the windows if it got louder. I continued to walk before the lord called after me.

"Claire where have you been? I have been looking everywhere." He walked up to me. "What are those?"

"It's your itinerary. I was cross checking to see if there were any attendances I would have to make alone." I said confidently.

"Ah good. I will be leaving earlier than hoped. Urgent matters have arisen and the state is in need." I nodded.

"I will inform the staff of your early absence." I walked away. I went to my study and locked the door. I sat down at my desk and began to read through. My hands shivered.


	7. Benefits

_Dear diary,  
The benefit is tonight. I am to stay in a hotel in the town to be able to attend the early morning breakfast charade. The lord had left early that morning. I hoped this would be worth my trip._


	8. Memories

_November 6, 1804,  
I was properly a staff at the mansion. The memory of being under the sanctity of the willows lingers in the back of my conscious mind._


	9. Bandits

I arrive in the ballroom and many people of all standings linger. Drinks in hand and laughter plucking the air. I walked around the edges listening to the idle gossip that surrounds the room along with the soft music humming at one side of the room. Someone spots me and walks over. Lady Channing.

"Oh Lady Claire how nice it is to see you." She seethes. I stop my progress to the back door. "I hear your husband has left on important matters, now you must reside the mansion wary of each shadow." She sneers.

"No worse than your cheating lies that writhe under your mask of jealousy. Green is just not your color." She grasps her drink tightly.

"Not that you would know the leading fashions quotas. You hardly venture far from the bedroom." She smiles at her own joke.

"And you presume I came here just for you? Charming." A waiter walks over offering champagne and I gladly take one.

"How unbecoming of a Lord without an heir. He must be ashamed to be seen here with you." She took a slow sip.

"And how are yours. Has the servant that he cheated on you with finally reason you into giving her own children back?" She took in a deep breath and finished off her glass. She turned moving a young waitress out of the way, sending a tray of fresh parfait crashing to the floor, before making her way back to the cave she crawled out of. I turned and climbed up the final stairs to the hotel above. The soft sounds of the harp waft into the rooms above as I ascend to my room. I unlock the door and slip in. The moonlight streams in effortlessly. I listen to the music for a few hours more before I drift off to sleep. There is a knock on my door and I bolt upright. A voice calls from the other side.

"Miss you are expected at the banquet in twenty minutes." I nod and remembered they can't see me.

"Yes I will be there, thank you." I get up and stretch. I begin to change and quickly styled my hair. I never did like doing that it was a waste of time. Finally fifteen minutes later I waltzed down the stairs and saw the banquet hall full of people and food. I found a seat and we all began to eat. Chatter filled the air like birds in spring. I ate in silence. People talked, but I didn't listen. I finished and left. My time there was wasted. I rode back in the carriage in silence. I stared at a small spot on the carpet and was jerked to the side by a sudden movement. After I sit back up I move the curtain slightly and peer outside. There are clouds hiding the sky and I look around for the driver. I take the chance to step outside. Geoff is nowhere to be seen and a chill in the air brings pelts of rain. Soon enough I am soaked to the bone. I fumble with unhitching the carriage from Corinne and I see something move out of the corner of my eye. I grab the knife I hid in my corset and cut the ropes jumping on her and hitting my heels to her haunches. She rears nearly sending my off before bolting through the path. I hear voices and yells behind me. I take a deep breath and urge her to run faster. Lightning strikes a tree beside me and Corinne, startled, rears up again sending me off and falling beside me. I curl up moving away from her and try to urge her up, but her leg is broken. She neighs and whines, but I can't do anything. I pelt off towards the woods that surround the path and slip around in my dress. I rip off the bottom leaving my legs bare and bolt through the trees. The yells can be heard behind me and a gunshot and I almost break down. I keep going though. I make a sharp left turn and head for the curve in the path almost a kilometer away. I pop out of the woods as a carriage passes by and I call out to the driver.

"Sir! Please stop!" I run after and they stop the owner stepping out.

"What in – Lady Claire what happened?" The Duke of Wales steps out running to my side. I pant and try to answer him. He waves over to his driver and hands me a towel. I wrap it around myself.

"Bandits." Is the only thing I manage before my chattering teeth impair anything else I am going to say.

"Get in the carriage. Come on." He helps me up and I follow him. He opens the door and I step up rewrapping the towel around me. He makes a spinning motion with his hand before getting in. The driver tries to turn around in the mud. Thunder claps and he looks at me worried. "Are you alright." I shake my head. I am wet all over, but I can tell not all of it is rain water. He looks me up and down. We are finally turned around before he speaks again. "I shall take you to your mansion." My teeth have stopped chattering, but I feel woozy and my legs begin to shake.

"Hurry." I whisper before my head lolls forward and hits the seat in front of me unconscious.


	10. Apetite

_Dear diary,  
I have been healing better now. My appetite has returned. The lacerations on my legs and arms are almost healed. The lord is still gone. I thanked the Duke and told him I was in his debt. He shook his head and went on saying he doubted he would ever ask anything of me. 'Ladies are never in anybody else's debt'. My carriage had been torn up stripped in search of money. It continued to rain. For days and days it has rained. I have watched the water race down my window countless times. The lord was due back in six days. I slept most days out of boredom. He comes in regularly when I am sleeping. I know because he leaves the smell of ink, old parchment, and tea. I always miss the smell of him after all of the other nurses and doctors come in, but it is always back once I fall asleep._


	11. November

_November 14, 1804,  
I tracked down those bandits. They no longer area threat to the road ways. I checked on her continuously. She looked so pale. Almost as pale as I when she came back. Her dress missing the lower half and her legs and arms bloodied and caked with mud. She was unconscious and I had to carry her in. Her blood taunted me, but I would not take advantage of her in this weakened state. She was so light and frail. So cold. I didn't leave until the doctors came and bandaged her wounds. I was in a rage that anyone would do such a thing to her. I ran back to where the broken down carriage lay and they were rummaging it. I made quick work of them. They even tasted foul. I went back before it was obvious I had been gone. When I returned she was scrubbed and bounded with gauze. I took an unnecessary breath and did lame chores so I could stay with her. She looked so young and fragile bound up like that. How I wanted to lay by her side and comfort her. It enraged me that her husband was off doing business leaving her here alone and in danger. I would not act though. It was not my place. Yet it was. Or soon to be._


	12. Cold

I woke up taking a deep breath and his smell was everywhere. I smirked rising to look around. My arms and legs were fully healed and I carefully moved to the edge of the bed. There was a knock on my door and I called them in. He stepped in looking worried and hurried to help me stand. I fell into him my legs still mostly weak from nonuse for so long. They, sturdier now, began to move again as legs should move. He held my arm for support and his skin was so cold. I wondered if he spent his days outside a lot. I walked to the window and looked out to the pasture. The faint, barely noticeable outline of my bench by the water and the willows stand out.

"Are you feeling up to help Miss?" I continued to look out the window.

"Far more than when I came back." He chuckled and I leaned into it like the closer I got the better it would be. "Why is your skin so cold?" He slowly stopped. He didn't answer me right away.

"I have no answer for you Ma'am." The clouds broke briefly and the sun shone through. He briefly took a step back letting me go. He was just out of reach of the sun now. And farther from me. I finally moved my head to look at where he once stood.

"And the sun? Are you afraid of it?" The clouds came back to cover the sun, but he stayed where he was.

"No Miss."

"Then why hide?" There was a long silence.

"Because I am allergic to it." My head snapped up to look at him my eyes round as saucers.

"Aren't we all, eventually?" He looked at me sorrow and longing filling his face.

"Yes, but I more than others." I was going to speak, but someone walked in my room. We both looked and the Lord walked up to me. Wrapping me in a hug. I flinched at his arms around me and noticed for the first time how cold I was.

"I came as soon as I heard the news. It took a long time, but –" He looked back at John and scowled. "Your service is no longer needed." John reluctantly bowed, as if on rusty hinges, and walked out. "Are you better, my dear?" I nodded stepping out of his embrace thinking about what he said. Yes, but I more than others. He continued talking, but I wasn't listening anymore. I was going over what he meant in my head.


	13. Meanings

_Dear diary,  
I still don't know what he meant. I want to know so desperately, but since my husband back I have had less time to spend with him. To ask him what he meant. I went to a far off town in search of a doctoring book. I told my husband it was for cloth. I found one and looked around the shoppes. I looked finding one. I bought it. On my way back out another caught my eye. I grabbed it hurrying to pay and went back to my new carriage. I hid both under stacks of other wares. I did stop by and grab a few new linen sets before heading back home. I read the doctoring book until the early hours of morning. Nothing about lack of body heat came up. I started on the other one. What I found terrified me, but also intrigued me. I would confront him soon._


	14. Confrontations

_November 16, 1804,  
Why was I so dumb to tell her. She will never want me now. I might as well resign, but she also did not look scared. She looked curious. Intrigued. Wanting. I will confront her soon._


	15. Cards

**WARNING WARNING GRAPHIC well not really but its uh stuffy stuff stuff yea enjoy**

Four days past and the lord was off again for business in a neighboring kingdom. I went to my monthly card game. It was in the town in the middle of all of the kingdoms and it was a few good hours away. I had already requested a room. I asked him to accompany me specifically. We rode in the carriage in silence. He looked like he wanted to speak, but he never did. I had questions on my mind, but it seemed out of place here. We arrived and once again it was raining. I took a deep breath inhaling the smell and walked out without the use of an umbrella. It was only a slight drizzle, so when I went into the building I wasn't that wet. Everyone said their hellos and I found my seat at the head of the table. Even though as a Lady I could not touch the money myself I did love to play the game. I sat diagonally behind him and he looked at me for the first bet.

"One hundred." He nodded throwing it in and the game began. Hours went by and I won game after game. Most people stayed. His glances back kept getting more and more alluring. Finally my mind was getting ahead of itself and I excused myself. I walked out the main hall and around the corner to my suite. Soon after I heard the faint almost inaudible sound of his footsteps up the stairs. I got to my room unlocking my door and turning around. He stopped before passing me and grabbed my hand bowing. His lips lingered on the back of my hand and my free hand clenched.¬¬¬¬ He gave an equally charming smirk and he slowly, yet fluidly straightened and walked to his room. I heard his door close and I pushed mine open walking in. I changed and sat on my bed trying to think clearly. Pros: I would be recognized as woman, I would be happy, he would treat me right, he wouldn't ignore me, and I wouldn't feel so alone. Cons: Shame to my family and my name, I was married, and he was a servant of the house. My rational mind decided the pros won. Twenty minutes later I sit by my door listening to the sounds of the hall. After another ten minutes it was all silent. I carefully opened my door an inch. I looked out and no one was to be seen. I stepped out keeping quiet; I shut my door and hurried to where I saw him walk into his. I opened it and slid in staying by the jamb to make sure that there was no one and the door was shut quietly. He looked over from his chair and stood up. His shirt was unbuttoned a few on the top revealing his chest. We were both silent. Before I could finally realize this was a bad idea I lurched forward cupping his face in my hands and passionately kissing him. Without hesitation he reciprocated. He walked backwards towards the foot of his bed. He hit it and sent us both falling onto it. He scooted back without breaking the kiss until we were both in the middle. I broke away just long enough to take a breath and put a leg on either side of his hips. I kissed him again, my hands reaching down to work on taking off his pants. His hands ran up my legs and left cold tails. I shivered in delight and finally shoved off his pants. I moved my gown out of the way and lowered myself onto him. I gasped and pulled his head to my chest. His hands teased my breast and I brought his lips to mine once again. He broke off kissing down my neck to my shoulder and I moved the sleeve down to reveal more skin. He moved swiftly and managed to switch positions without removing himself from me. I blame my euphoric state, for I believed he was moving faster than a human. I moaned as one of his hands left icy cool trails down my chest and stomach. He lowered his face, so he could leave gently nips from my neck to my chest and I moaned again. My mind whirled and raced with incomprehensive thoughts. There was only one thought I could grasp at and hold onto. I needed him more than anything.


	16. Unmistakes

_Dear diary,  
I can't believe I did that. It was one of the best mistakes I had ever made. I barely even pronounce it as a mistake. It was better maybe because of the pure wrongness that it inclined. I didn't care. For that night he was mine and I was his._


	17. Lust

_November 21, 1804,  
There are no words. None to explain the lust and passion that happened. I am angered that she is married to that child. He obviously doesn't treat her as a woman should be treated. He is always off with business or something or other. He is not with her. But I am._


	18. Return

_Dear diary,  
The lord has returned and I am almost always angered when he is back. Valerie knows not of my previous nights affairs. Nor will she ever know. I have suspicions about her. I once recognized her as my friend. Now I see her as something less._


	19. Watching

_November 25, 1804, _

_I grow wary that in the days that the lord has returned. He watches me carefully and I can tell I am no longer the prize in his eyes. He keeps me away from her at all costs. It is rightly infuriating._


	20. Whore

I sit at the end of the table for dinner. The only sound of silverware on plates.

"How was your game, Claire?" I stab at my food.

"Fine." The sound from his side of the table halts.

"Are you alright? Is something bothering you?" Valerie sits between us both and says nothing keeping her head low.

"Yes I am fine. No need to worry." I look at Valerie. "What about you Valerie? Are you bothered by anything?" I sneer.

"No my lady." She continues to look down.

"Really." I say condescendingly. I put my silverware down. "Then you won't mind me asking. Are you in love with the lord?" All noise stops.

"As I love you my lady." She sounds unconvincing.

"What deems this question, Claire?" The lord asks angrily.

"Nothing I'm just confirming my suspicions." I almost growl.

"Then let me confirm some of my own. Have you been sleeping around whilst I am gone?" I show no signs of recognition. "Have you?" He almost yells. I still say nothing. "Is it him? The servant? Are you his little whore?" He yells this and I shove the chair back. I storm out of the dining room. After a few minutes he follows. I look back to see him catching up fast. I get to my study and close the door, but before I could lock it he shoves through pushing me back. "It's true isn't it?" He yells.

"Not like you're the saint." I yell back.

"Not that you would know." He says threateningly. He gets closer. I take a step back, but the bed is behind me and he reaches to grab at me. I swat his hands away.

"No get off." I scream. He thrusts himself onto me and I try to shove him off, but he's too big. He kisses me, but I recoil sickened. "Get away." I scream again. But he pushes me onto the bed. I kick at him, yet he is pinning me down and I can't do much, but just let him. I scream the whole time though. "Is this how you treat her? With such force. Hu is this how you treat her."


End file.
